Ah, summer. It really is such a glorious time for the human race. School is out and there is so much fun to be had. We all cherish these two months. Except for anxiety mom, that is. She hates the summer and cannot wait until the kids go back to school. Summer sucks.
I will not tell a lie. I have been accused of being somewhat of a ‘’Nervous Nelly” once or twice in my parenting life. I also have had my share of stressful days this summer as well. However, the good news is that we all made it!
Without further adieu, I present my list of seven things that drove anxiety mom completely apeshit this summer:
1. Shark sightings
Ok, it is one thing if the BFF calls and casually mentions a shark sighting in Australia. However, the news takes on a whole new dimension when it happens in your own backyard. This summer, anxiety mom woke up to various Facebook statuses about there being two shark sightings a few towns over. It was at a beach she recently fell in love with, and she mistakenly thought it was completely safe. Oh well, the beach is overrated anyway, says anxiety mom. There is just too much sand there. Don’t get anxiety mom started on sand. The very thought of it is enough to put her into a full fledged panic attack.
2. Pool Parties
There was actually a time when anxiety mom used to think pools were pretty awesome. There is no sand there. It is a small confined space for swimming. That being said, pools are great for a few kids, not a hundred at a time. After seeing the party invite, anxiety mom wonders if it would be out of line to call and ask the hostess to provide a few lifeguards. She is not looking for anything crazy; just a sizable crew that resembles the cast of Baywatch. Where is the Hoff when you need him? And what is the deal with these cannonballs the kids are doing these days? Anxiety mom knows that she read an article about the danger of cannonballs somewhere. Anxiety mom eventually declined, realizing that the whole thing may be more trouble than it is worth. Besides, she already lost a few friends last year when she demanded that the kids refrain from the pool for at least two hours after eating ice cream. They can get cramps and sink, she warned a crowd of parents already annoyed by her overbearing presence. It is a wonder that the woman gets invited anywhere.
3. Air Quality Reports
Anxiety mom is not completely sure what it means when the quality of the air is so poor, but it doesn’t sound good. Both Al Roker and Sam Champion always make a pretty big deal out of it, and they know their shit. Anxiety mom dreads the hot and humid days. She also knows to watch out for the signs of weather related illnesses which include: dizziness, racing heart and general confusion. The problem is, since anxiety mom is such a nervous wreck on any given day, it is hard for her to decipher whether it is the air quality or she is just being her old crazy self. I place my money on the latter.
As if anxiety mom doesn’t have enough problems already, she was quite shaken up by the recent report circulating throughout social media. Apparently, certain ones are completely unsafe. Evidently, the one that she has been using forever is made of poison. Being that she is so allergic to the sun anyway, she never plans on leaving the house again.
Well, anxiety mom finally got up the courage to leave her home in broad daylight to buy a new and improved sunscreen. She was very proud of herself and decided to gift her children with a trip to the beach just before sundown. The next morning she was greeted by her daughter’s horrible sunburn on the left arm. She wonders if her little girl will ever forgive her for forgetting that one body part. Although, her child assures her it is fine, she is wracked with guilt. Anxiety mom remembers the bad sunburn that she had as a child. It was on her leg and blistered. To protect it, the doctor made her wear a sock on her leg at the beach for the rest of the summer. Will her daughter face the same fate? Will she have to wear a sock on her arm? People will stare. And her little girl will get self conscious. And probably blame her forever. And then end up not inviting her own mom to the wedding. Anxiety mom cannot live with that scenario. Is summer over yet?
6. Back to School Sales
You would think the commercials, which typically start in June, would make anxiety mom happy. After all, it is a sign that this miserable season is coming to an end. Interestingly enough, they don’t. Anxiety mom is worried about where to get the best deals for magic markers and loose-leaf. What if she overspends by 50 cents? And why do her kids need 40 glue sticks? Where is she even going to find 40 glue sticks? Not to mention the three hundred other items on the list. Don’t even get her started on the back to school clothes shopping. Shopping malls make her dizzy.
7. Mosquito Bites
Anxiety mom doesn’t look at the typical bug bite and shrug, as our own moms did in the eighties. These bug bites are to be taken seriously. After spending eight hours on Google comparing her son’s bug bite to about 700 pictures, she realizes serious action needs to be taken. West Nile is no joke and she is almost 100% sure that her son has it. He has been a bit quiet today and his nap was longer than usual. After approximately ten calls to her pediatrician, she strangely never gets a response.
The good news is that as the season of summer comes to a close, anxiety mom gets to relish in the calm season of fall. She will feel great relief when she does not have to worry about these things anymore. Well, except for apple picking. It is unsafe to eat those apples; as you never know what they have been sprayed with. Or those hayrides, they go way too fast. And what of those Halloween costumes? Can we just ban the really scary ones? Her kid is way too sensitive. Oh yes, anxiety mom, we know you, we love you, and you will be back to stress out very soon. Whatever the season may be.